(aka The Most Offensive Part of Toddlers and Tiaras)
So a while back I was struck with what was, in retrospect, a full blown case of alcohol poisoning and was in bed, sick, for about 2-3 days. I tried quite earnestly to participate in cultural pursuits (via You Tube) that would lift the soul and spirits…lectures on philosophy, HBD books on tape, but alas somehow found myself watching a full season of Toddlers and Tiaras. I am a naturally inclined towards proletariat pursuits- fashion, drinking, reality TV, and what was an ironic afternoon of “full glitz” (Get it gurl!), suddenly turned me into an earnest fan- as many of you have heard your women say…”It just happened.”
I may be in the minority, but I believe that the most offensive part of these shows is not the slut baby attire, nor the flippers, the tans etc. It is the fact that beautiful, healthy women (as is evidenced by their “facially gifted” children) have quite literally eaten themselves into disabilities, becoming grotesque creatures in the process. Having lived in mostly cosmopolitan, young, thin cities (and surrounding myself with the like) I honestly had no idea it was so bad.
These women are just giant molds of flesh. I would like to present a case study (anecdotal, of course) of what I would like to call “The Reverse Alchemy of the American Woman: A Self Inflicted Malady.” I will use examples from mother/daughter duos from the Toddlers and Tiaras show as evidence that attractive genes are being blunted by an addition to Doritos, Wonder bread, and Coke (for the sake of fairness, I’ll only show older girls without make-up, as most toddlers and little kids are de-facto cute) . A potentially healthy beautiful person that eats themselves into a grotesque blob should be charged with a crime against humanity. Ten examples below.
1) Pretty face. Light blonde hair, blue eyes, small nose. Good genes. Nothing out of proportion.
Her mother, Jabba the Hut. An obvious case of a deliberate maiming of the face and body. Main culprits are excessive weight (which overpower delicate features) and butch haircut.
With her husband. The poor unfortunate soul.
2) Objectively beautiful.
and her closest genetic kin
3) Another very pretty girl- great eyes and face shape.
and her mother….
With her lucky man…
4) Pageant queen.
….and the big fat Chalupa that birthed her
5) Probably two of the prettiest faces on the show. Good genes.
…and their mother; ardent supporter of the Lays Empire. I find this to be a greater tragedy, given how good-looking the entire family is. She dun ate herself ugly.
6) Pageant girl
and her mother….to quote my husband: “A bit of a tragedy, isn’t it?”
7) Pageant girl, winner of many titles.
….and her mother.
Enough, you say?
8) One of the most popular contestants. Not really the cutest, but obviously not someone with “ugly genes”. The contrast between her and her mother is astounding.
Ya’ll ready? It cannot be unseen.
And here they are dressed alike. I don’t even think they’re in the same species, much less family.
This is getting tedious and depressing, so two more quick ones.
9) Pageant girl
And her mother. Shemanda.
Thankfully it looks like the girl got daddy’s (?) metabolism.
10) Last one! Pretty pageant girl.
….and her mother.
A little perspective….
So there you have it, world. American women are not ugly, many of them actually have the potential to be very beautiful. They have eaten themselves into being unattractive and it is truly a tragedy.
They probably do these child pageants because it is the only time in their lives when any of them are good looking enough to enter a beauty contest. Have to get them crowns before Type 2 diabetes sets in!!
